No, You DON’T Have The Right To An Opinion

(I apologise if this post is a little short, but I really don’t think any more needs to be said on this issue.)

The oxford dictionary refers to ‘Opinion’ as: “A belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.” So, an opinion is just a thing with little justification that gets thrown out there to be devoured by anyone with actual logic, and played around with by those with none.

The phrase “in my opinion” might as well be replaced with: “speaking from a biased, flawed, unjustified standpoint taken directly from my rectum...”

Debates should be contain at least one factual view, followed by a conclusion drawn from said facts. Eg: “America has the most high-school shootings in any first-world nation, and the only similarity between each shooting is that the person responsible for the shooting has access to guns – therefore, gun control is needed NOW.”

It’s fair enough to say: “therefore, my opinion is that gun control is needed NOW” because the opinion is based on fact. But if it’s fact then there’s no need to undermine it with opinion. Why not just say what you conclude, and if there is a flaw or disagreement in the conclusion then the other people debating will point it out.

‘Opinion’ has become like ‘literally’ – a meaningless buzzword inserted into a banal sentence to make that sentence seem less banal. For the next episode of Question Time, they should install chairs that drop the occupant down into an enclosure of tigers if s/he says “in my opinion.”

The Word ‘Literally’ Is Now Banned

I’m banning ‘literally’ from all discourse. Yes, me – the guy you’ve probably never heard of who has absolutely no authority in the world.

Controversy was stirred last year when the dictionaries changed the definition of the word ‘literally’ because people have been using it incorrectly for so long that societies elite threw their arms up and said: “Fine! If everyone else is going to be wrong, then let’s all be wrong together!”

Coming from a middle-class English background and a secondary school that began like Matilda’s school but eventually turned into the mess that is modern UK education, this confused me. From my pseudo-Dickensian childhood, I always assumed that the dictionary doesn’t change for you – you change for the dictionary. The only words that were altered were words of a sexual connotation (such as ‘fetish’) that were changed just so the headteacher doesn’t get sniggered at during assembly.

Alas, ‘literally’ can be added to the list of words such as ‘sick’ and ‘epic’ as meaningless filler words used when we feel a banal sentence is too short and not banal enough.

For example: “I am literally stuck on this essay.” So the essay is stuck onto a part of your body? You just need to say: “I’m stuck on this essay” or “This essay is really hard. I think I’m stuck.”

But I’ve realised that even when ‘literally’ is used correctly, it makes no sense. An example of the correct use of the word would be: “I’m literally nailed to this chair. Can you call an ambulance please?” Unless you’re communicating with someone who can’t see you’ve been nailed to a chair, it’s pretty obvious that you’re not using hyperbole.

Has anyone ever said: “I am figuratively dying of this hangover?” No! Because it’s clear that person isn’t dying of a hangover, otherwise they would say: “Can you please call a doctor?”

The majority of us are perfectly able to understand figurative expressions. If we didn’t, then we would actually use the word ‘literally’ correctly. Figurative speech is so ubiquitous in modern rhetoric that we clearly don’t need to specify what’s literal – and we don’t, because  people are using ‘literally’ to describe figurative events.

Or maybe we all just need to go back to school…