The Word ‘Literally’ Is Now Banned

I’m banning ‘literally’ from all discourse. Yes, me – the guy you’ve probably never heard of who has absolutely no authority in the world.

Controversy was stirred last year when the dictionaries changed the definition of the word ‘literally’ because people have been using it incorrectly for so long that societies elite threw their arms up and said: “Fine! If everyone else is going to be wrong, then let’s all be wrong together!”

Coming from a middle-class English background and a secondary school that began like Matilda’s school but eventually turned into the mess that is modern UK education, this confused me. From my pseudo-Dickensian childhood, I always assumed that the dictionary doesn’t change for you – you change for the dictionary. The only words that were altered were words of a sexual connotation (such as ‘fetish’) that were changed just so the headteacher doesn’t get sniggered at during assembly.

Alas, ‘literally’ can be added to the list of words such as ‘sick’ and ‘epic’ as meaningless filler words used when we feel a banal sentence is too short and not banal enough.

For example: “I am literally stuck on this essay.” So the essay is stuck onto a part of your body? You just need to say: “I’m stuck on this essay” or “This essay is really hard. I think I’m stuck.”

But I’ve realised that even when ‘literally’ is used correctly, it makes no sense. An example of the correct use of the word would be: “I’m literally nailed to this chair. Can you call an ambulance please?” Unless you’re communicating with someone who can’t see you’ve been nailed to a chair, it’s pretty obvious that you’re not using hyperbole.

Has anyone ever said: “I am figuratively dying of this hangover?” No! Because it’s clear that person isn’t dying of a hangover, otherwise they would say: “Can you please call a doctor?”

The majority of us are perfectly able to understand figurative expressions. If we didn’t, then we would actually use the word ‘literally’ correctly. Figurative speech is so ubiquitous in modern rhetoric that we clearly don’t need to specify what’s literal – and we don’t, because  people are using ‘literally’ to describe figurative events.

Or maybe we all just need to go back to school…