The Star Wars Prequels Have A Good Plot

I know. My first blog post after Trump and it's about Star Wars.

It's been a long, horrible year and my opinion doesn't matter. I may as well talk about something completely irrelevant for click-bait. That's the only way you can be successful on the internet anymore, right?

Well, I suppose this topic is semi-relevant considering the upcoming release of Star Wars: Rogue One. Bear in mind that millions of Americans who voted in a white supremacist (and confirmed sex-offender) will flock to see a film about a diverse group of rebels fighting to bring down white supremacists. And they will watch this without one iota of irony in their brains - which is a hypothetical statement considering they have no brain.

No. I'm not going to write another think-piece about who's to blame for Trump winning and how we need to now 'unite' in an attempt to 'understand' those who voted for him. If you're a Trump supporter, you might not be a fascist...but you definitely voted for one. You looked reality square in the face, and rejected it. You created your own fantasy land where it's the oppressors being oppressed and your only saviour is an orange-faced billionaire crook. You're beyond help. Get the fuck off my blog, because nothing I say will convince you that you're wrong.

And to the people still remaining: there's nothing we can do. The Empire has won. And if, like me, you live on Corruption Island (The United Kingdom) then the government knows you've seen this blog post. They know every single thing about me. They're watching us. They probably don't care about a puny blogger like myself, but they have stacks of documents all about me stored in a database just waiting to be abused/stolen. Theresa May has your debit card information, which, come January, she'll be able to hand over to Donald Trump. Considering how many times UK companies get hacked, you're almost certainly going to have your bank details stolen in 2017. You might even have your browser history used against you for blackmail. Merry Fucking Christmas.

But back to the title of this post:

Don't get me wrong. The prequels (Episode 1, 2 & 3) are terrible. They're not amateur. They're not even so bad their good. They're a comprehensive thesis on how not to make a film. With a few exceptions, everything is wrong. The writing's wrong. The direction is wrong. The cinematography is wrong. The editing is wrong. These three films are absolutely essential viewing if you ever want to partake in a narrative medium.

But...OK; I know you liked The Force Awakens. I liked The Force Awakens. Everyone liked The Force Awakens. And yet...you have to admit it; the story sucked.

You probably didn't even notice. You had excellent characters. Rey, Finn, Poe and Kylo Ren were introduced to the series in a way that immediately established their motivation and their personalities - and both of these were fresh to the series. Rey has literally no backstory and has the lowest status in the lowest part of the galaxy. Finn is a Stormtrooper who suddenly realises he's on the wrong side. Poe is a brash hero with a heart of gold who we see pushed to breaking point. Kylo Ren is the offspring of a notorious figure whose hopeless efforts to outmatch him drive Ren to near-insanity. This is all brilliant stuff.

And yet; can you remember anything else? Could you tell me the current political situation of the galaxy? What precisely was The First Order's plan? What's the current state of the Jedi Order? Or The Rebel Alliance?

You'll probably only be able to answer one of those correctly: The First Order intend to wipe out The Rebel Alliance/The Jedi and make the galaxy great again. But that's broad. Have they literally declared war on the galaxy (because they seem pretty well-armed)? Are they represented in the senate? Is The New Republic more or less powerful than The First Order? When it comes to galaxy-wide influence, is The First Order a Russia or an Iran?

Of course, this is the REAL reason why Star Wars is still going.

Meanwhile: I bet you know all about the political situation of the Prequels because you had to sit through all those endless scenes where people just sat there talking and talking in front of a flat background whilst the camera cuts from one mid-shot to another, occasionally going back to a master-shot so we can marvel at how flat the background really is.

The overall plot, on paper, is the best thing about the Prequels. Lucas actually has a very satirical view on his own creation. The Galactic Republic is a bumbling mess of thousands of planets, each desperately trying to make their voice heard whilst unrest spreads. The Supreme Chancellor (Terrence Stamp's character) is weak and incompetent. Unable to deal with the minor planet of Naboo being invaded by a private militia, this causes a vote of no confidence to be made against him. (Episode 1 sucks so much because it's a minor event in a larger picture.) His place is taken by Palpatine, who just so happens to be space-Satan.

He is at once two characters; Chancellor Palpatine and Darth Sidious. Sidious is the shadow master behind The Federation; an endless circle of arms dealers who create killer robots whilst inciting conflict so more people buy more robots. He encourages the Federation to step-up production, which alerts The Republic. So Chancellor Palpatine authorises the creation of a lab-grown clone army to start a war.

Yes, its a war between robots and clones. It's literally a proxy-war of no consequence orchestrated by a single entity. This is actually a genius concept, and it's such as shame that Episode 2 is terrible because robots vs clones is a sci-fi authors dream. It's especially amazing considering Episode 2 was released in 2002 - one year after 9/11 and a year prior to The Iraq War.

Three years later, and Palpatine is essentially a dictator given his abuse of emergency powers as a result of the war; which by this point everyone just wants over. Having reached the full extent of the powers a supreme chancellor can exercise, Palpatine uses Anakin Skywalker to turn the Jedi against him. This act of terrorism gives Palpatine an excuse to firstly murder every Jedi and appoint himself Emperor of the new Galactic Empire - a totalitarian state that'll protect the galaxy from any future terrorist acts. By becoming The Emperor, he merges Palpatine with Darth Sidious. He has the heads of The Federation murdered, thus quietly ending his own war. He then leaves Anakin Skywalker to duel his old master. Anakin is critically injured in the fight, and must spend the rest of his life as an emotionally dead walking life-support system called Darth Vader. He and the rest of the galaxy shall forever be a puppet for The Emperor to control.

Isn't that a great story? A grand tale of politics, espionage, manipulation, and warmongering; all with a deliciously dark, Faustian conclusion that sees evil triumph and good corrupted. It's also scarily reminiscent of current events, with politicians using terrorism to dismantle the very democracy they claim to be protecting. By the time Revenge Of The Sith came out in 2005, America had seen the passing of The Patriot Act, an ever fluctuating 'Terror Level,' the re-election of Bush, and the rise of the NSA. Oh, and look. The UK has just authorised the biggest and most obtrusive mass surveillance system in history under the excuse of preventing terrorism. Again: Theresa May has your bank details, along with at least 47 other organisations and god knows how many hackers.

So why did this surprisingly topical story fail? Why am I the only person to praise the story of the Star Wars prequels?

OK, Writing 101: Story isn't the same as narrative. Story is the Wikipedia summary. Narrative is what you actually experience. A bad story can be ignored with a strong narrative, but if the narrative is bad then it won't matter if you've secretly got The Trial up your sleeve.

Narrative is much more fluid than story. A story always starts at the beginning and ends at the end. It's the foundation of the events that guide the characters. The Montague's and Capulet's are rivals. One teenager from each family falls in love with each-other. They take their lives. The families unite in grief. Voldemort is partially destroyed by Harry Potter. He eventually regains power. Potter defeats him.

Narrative, meanwhile, is about what brings us to these events and how we see this occur. Narrative may not necessarily be in the right order. Narrative is Juliet first laying her eyes on Romeo. Their hidden conspiring with Friar Lawrence. The communication breakdown that leads to the tragic ending. Most importantly: Narrative is the balcony scene.

Similarly; Narrative is Harry solving the mystery of The Chamber Of Secrets. Exploring Hogwarts. Unlocking Voldemort's hidden past in order to conquer him. Most importantly: Narrative is Harry staring longingly into The Mirror of Erised.

You've probably guessed it by now, but the narrative in the Star Wars prequels is terrible. Palpatine using the Jedi as an excuse to fully transition from Palpatine to The Emperor seems plausible in a plot-summary, but in execution it makes no sense. The Jedi are known throughout the galaxy as a peaceful order that only intervenes politically if the dark side is involved. They're more or less an organised religion. At no point in the prequels is there any kind of Jedi-phobia or a feeling among the galaxy that the Jedi might want to seize power.

It's like if Theresa May claimed that the Archbishop of Cantebury tried to stage a coup, and so she immediately, without consulting anyone else, called air-strikes on every single protestant Church in the country. Plus she single-handedly killed the Archbishop and three members of his staff. Even if you believed the Archbishop wanted to seize power...murdering every single vicar wouldn't go down so well. Palpatine claims that the Jedi suddenly tried to take over and thus he was totally justified to call for the assassination of every single Jedi in the galaxy...and only two people out of the thousands in the galactic senate call bullshit on it. (One of whom dies swiftly afterwards.)

This is just one example. Almost the whole of the prequels are contrivance after plot-hole after contrivance. Why is The Trade Federation so militarised when they're basically just arms dealers? Who the hell was Jedi Master Sifo-Dias? Why do the Jedi keep sending just one (sometimes two) knight(s) to deal with missions that'll decide the fate of the galaxy? How does Padme die of a broken heart? Surely a more logical reason would be Anakin going Chris Brown on her?

And yet I think the prequels have a better plot than The Force Awakens. Let's look at the plot to last years biggest hit:

The First Order holds a tyrannical hold over the galaxy. Sith Lord Kylo Ren is the spokesperson for a shadowy entity who communicates via hologram and little is known about. He's after a droid which holds vital information. The droid lands on a desert planet and is found by an orphaned nobody. She escapes with the droid and meets up with The Rebel Alliance. She is captured and held onboard a superweapon which can destroy planets. She bests Kylo Ren and the superweapon is destroyed by The Rebel Alliance.

It's Episode 4. The narrative varies slightly, but the plot is near-identical to A New Hope. Isn't it great how much we've progressed since 1977? Almost 40 years later and we've got absolutely nowhere. It's the same films over and over. Hollywood still has no idea what it's doing. The Middle East is still fucked. Black people are still regarded as inferior. Homosexuality is still considered taboo. Women are prized only for their physical appearance. Native Americans are still being erased from their own country. Christians are still idiots. Conservatism reigns supreme. Superpowers are pissing over the sovereignty of third-world nations. England still has a leeching monarchy. Australia won't discuss it's history of genocide. Holland's throwing its recent liberated reputation out of the window. There's still fucking Nazis on this fucking planet in twenty fucking sixteen.

Nothing's changed. We're sluts for nostalgia, except the entire problem with nostalgia is it's bias. The original three Star Wars films also have very simple plots. That's the whole point. Star Wars is supposed to be a space-fantasy. It's King Arthur in space. None of the films are beyond criticism, however they serve their purpose so well. That's why we're still watching them almost forty years later.

And now we have a spin-off movie. Because everything has to have it's own cinematic universe. Harry Potter has it's own universe now. Even though it's called 'Harry Potter,' for some reason we're getting five more films that have nothing to do with Harry. Because why change? Let's just keep doing everything the same over and over again.

They're making another Crash Bandicoot game! It's exactly the same as the first three games but with fancy graphics! I already own the originals! Why not just make the originals playable on the Playstation 4? It's like if the Toy Story films were remade shot-by-shot with better computer visuals. Why would you waste so much money and resources to create something we already have and already know is good? Why is the world burning whilst billions gets pumped into this pointless shit every year? And don't even get me started on Toy Story 4...

Nothing ever changes. Everything remains terrible unless you're a middle class straight white man. Everything is as it was and as it ever will be.