I have to slap myself every time I read news coverage. The political landscape, and the world as a whole feels completely different from the last time I covered this spectacle of shambles. New Prime Minister. New cabinet. An even further shove towards the right-wing, this time with an extremely unhealthy dollop of nationalism that's resulted in an even more bizarre list of worst moments that I just have to discuss.
The world of party conferences are terrifying ones, mostly because they expose every facet of the party hosting it. The Labour Party conference had it's share of pseudo-Marxists, middle class student groups, Blairite huddles, and that really awkward session where they got random people from the audience to deliver speeches. The Conservative conference meanwhile contains foxhunting groups, Christian groups, and a disturbing number of cults idolising Thatcher. You can see a political party at it's most reserved (usually the BBC's coverage) and at it's most extreme.
I think the main difference is that the overall theme of 2015's conference was: "Fuck You." Fuck your tax credits, fuck your job, fuck your protesting, and fuck migrants in particular. We're out for ourselves, not you. This conference is merely stating the obvious: that we, the 1% control everything and no matter what happens we'll still be here making your lives even worse.
This year, the theme was: "You're Fucked."
Britain feels on the brink of an apocalypse. We have absolutely no idea what 2017 will bring, but all we know is that it's going to be grim. All our problems (no money, corruption, endless wars) are absolutely guaranteed to get worse because the EU was responsible for none of these problems, and actually the union's very purpose is to alleviate these continent-wide issues somewhat. The only question now is precisely how much worse things will get. Will Britain look like Greece, (no money or power) Egypt, (unstable totalitarian government) or The Hunger Games? We can only sit here trying not to think about it.
Except notice I said: "You're Fucked." That's because, again, all the Conservatives at this conference will be fine. Brexiteers are happily skipping around the halls, claiming they've won some great victory. Because they have. Their skewed, downright racist ideology has been confirmed. They've proved that dog-whistling will always triumph against logic. The far-right is the new right, and the right is the new centre, and the centre is the new left.
But, I've delayed enough. Here are the five worst moments:
5. This
...what?
Yes, that's a blue tick. This is the official Department For International Trade's Twitter account. And it's just used the phrase "innovative British jams" followed by the hashtag #ExportingisGREAT. This reminds me of North Korea's propaganda slogans, like: "Make mushroom cultivation scientific!" Because mushrooms will fix the famine and government oppression.
I cannot believe I am discussing this but...it's jam! No-one cares about jam. I've been a regular user of jam, and I don't think I've once actually looked at the packaging. I've just looked at the price, paid for it, placed it in my fridge, and spread it on my toast. Somehow making your jam post on Facebook, or be five calories lighter, or be made out of badgers won't change anything.
In fact, the French are good for jams. Whilst France isn't my favourite destination, the food is brilliant there. Why would they want our rubbish? The whole reason why we had a British Empire was because our country was so miserable that we invaded others to steal all their stuff. We literally went to war with China because we wanted their tea. We massacred Indians over it. Tea has killed people. Tea is responsible for genocide. Tea is only 'English' in the sense that it's a bloodstained relic of English history.
We've never truly exported, because England has nothing to export. We grudgingly joined the EU because after World War Two we'd lost our empire and thus had lost all our trade and resources. But since then we still swan around the international stage like we own the place even though we're this tiny spit of land filled with eccentrics that the world's laughing at. And rather than try to remedy this before we're plunged into The Dark Ages, we're like: "Oi, Frenchies! Want our jam? It's better than your foreign rubbish..."
4. "Safe Seats For Darkies"
You probably haven't heard about this. In fact, the main reason why I decided to once again cover the CPC was because this little story slipped through when it deserves to be lambasted along with all the other abhorrent incidents I'm discussing.
During a small gathering, Conservative MEP Syed Kamall, in regards to 'Modern Britian' - an organisation designed by the Tories to engage with ethnic minority voters - said: "I hope this is not a campaign for safe seats for darkies."
This was all, laughably, part of an open discussion on how the Conservatives can appeal more to ethnic minorities. Well, a good start would be to not call them 'darkies,' or accuse black voters of somehow trying to manipulate the political system. That would help things somewhat.
It reminds me of how Donald Trump keeps trying to convince Mexicans he loves them, before going off on 20 minute, incoherent tirades about walls and drugs and something. It's amazing that the Conservatives can have a whole panel of 'experts' and an entire organisation dedicated to wooing minority voters without bringing up the fact that the Tories constantly demonise minorities.
Oh, my apologies. They do discuss Zac Goldsmith's Mayor Of London campaign earlier this year. I want it to go down in history as one of the most vile, dirtiest, xenophobic political campaigns in UK political history. I personally rank it up there with the 1983 Bermondsey by-election, where Liberal Democrat candidate (who was only removed from power last year despite being a lump of maggots dressed in a skin-suit) Simon Hughes used Labour candidate Peter Tatchell's sexuality to embark on a viciously homophobic campaign against him. As Bermondsey set gay rights back at least two decades, Zac Goldsmith used Islamophobia in a cowardly attempt to smear Saijid Khan. Perhaps his most shameful moment was when he used a picture of the 7/7 bombings alongside an article accusing Khan of being friends with terrorist-sympathisers (which Khan wasn't).
This is like someone writing an essay entitled: "Why the plan to mix fire and petrol went wrong." Why do minorities not vote for you? Because you're racist.
3. Sod Off, Lifesavers
Nope, we're still not done talking about racism.
I'm done with this country. As a white, UK-born citizen; none of this incessant racism pushed by the government itself affects me. (We'll get to the classism and homophobia later.) Except it does. The Tories want to turn me into a monster. They're trying to socially engineer us all into thinking that migrants are leeches washing in from the channel, come to suck us all dry before flopping over fat on our own lifeblood.
The prime topic surrounding this conference was 'British Jobs.' This is one of those phrases that makes absolutely no sense. How is a job 'British'? Is a job making union flags and 'I Heart London' shirts (which are usually produced in Asian sweatshops) 'British'? I suppose if you mean I get paid minimum wage with zero benefits when I have a first class honours degree then, yes, my job is a quintessentially 'British' one.
Theresa May already topped my list last year for her downright fascist speech about migrants. In it, she accused them of taking jobs and straining public services despite studies from her own department saying otherwise. Now Mrs May is Prime Minister and thus no longer deals with the nitty-gritty of the Home Office, it falls on her successor Amber Rudd to be our new harbinger of racism. And...well, she delivered.
In her speech, Rudd pledged to reduce the number of international students. Yes, the Tories claim to deliver a world-class education, but won't let the world share it. She also did the usual thing the Home Secretary does where she promised to dramatically lower the number of migrants entering, when the article I linked to correctly points out that net migration has reached record high under the Conservatives. And no, she didn't mention refugees or legal asylum seekers.
Not to be outdone, Health Secretary Jeremy Cun-HUNT later added that he intends for the NHS to hire more English doctors, and once a certain quota is reached then migrant doctors will be removed.
Yes, the people who have saved lives and hold up our countries most important public service are apparently not good enough and will be eventually deported. Thanks for treating my two grandparents dementia, my grandmothers leukaemia, my grandfathers prostrate cancer, my mothers carpal-tunnel, my sisters thyroid, my fathers PTSD, and my right eye. Now FUCK OFF! (Oh, and good luck trying to hire more junior doctors when you keep treating them like shit.)
Again, if the Conservative party is trying to win over ethnic minority voters...this really isn't helping. This assumption that English doctors are better than migrant doctors because apparently I have some kind of gene that makes me a natural at open-heart surgery is downright racist. And the threat of deportation places our government up there with the most liberal of Nazis. In fact, everyone in this convention who claims that having English people doing migrants jobs is better for the economy has the brains of a used tissue. I have no education or history in politics, and I know more about the countries infrastructure than those running it.
Quite simply; migrants don't take jobs. They create them.
I work for a very, very large retail company. Like, you have no idea. The branch I work at is itself massive, and it operates for 24 hours a day. (Excluding a few glorious Sunday hours.) The night-shift mostly comprises of migrant workers, because good luck finding anyone else who wants to work from 11pm to 7am. There's also a group of sub-contracted cleaners who almost entirely comprise of migrants, because good luck finding anyone else who wants to be constantly yelled at by managers and customers for not cleaning quickly enough.
There was no such thing as mega-corporations before we joined the EU. Before EU migration, the concept of a 24-hour store just didn't exist. The manpower needed wasn't available, and even if it was then the company couldn't possibly afford the volume of staff required. The very thought of keeping a shop open all day every day was (and still kind of is) insane. But then suddenly there was a wave of foreign labourers who were less fussy about things like minimum wage and would be happy to work unsociable hours or jobs that require you to wipe urine off-of elevator walls. Suddenly, companies had the manpower required to expand. More branches. Longer opening hours. More stock. It's every business-owners wet-dream.
Semi-sentient stuffed horse Andrea Leadsom suggests we all go back to farm-work and do the jobs migrants are doing. (Obviously she's not going to pick apples, because she's wearing an expensive dress.) This demonstrates how naive everyone is. The agricultural industry relies on migrants because the days of independent farming and local produce are over. The milk you buy at the supermarket has been bought to you by a giant dairy farm that exists solely to supply supermarkets. The produce section is bought to you by an industrial machine that wouldn't be industrial if it wasn't for migrants turning the wheels. Take the migrants away and the wheels stop turning.
Actually, can all migrants across the UK go on strike for a week? Just to show how our infrastructure relies on them?
2. Every Single Time 'Brexit' Was Mentioned
Brexit.
Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit.
Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit Brexit All Work And No Play Makes Brexit Brexit
WHAT THE HELL IS BREXIT?
What does this word that plays havoc with my spellchecker even mean? Along with all the racism, it was all anyone talked about during this forsaken conference. All I know is that this word makes me cringe. Even more than "moist" or "values" or "taken."
No-one can tell me, which leads me to believe that no-one knows. Theresa May famously, upon her seizure of the Iron Throne, said "Brexit means Brexit, and we are going to make a success of it."
1) That doesn't rhyme properly. 2) That's not a very helpful definition. Yes, Eschatology means Eschatology, but that's no use to a politics student. 3) How are you going to make a success of it when you can't even say what it is?
I will say that the Tories have taken a remarkably human approach to Leaving the European Union. After the result, Parliament broke up for the summer holiday with Theresa May's vague words about dealing with Brexit later. Presumably, everyone had a wild time off abroad somewhere sipping unpronounceable alcoholic beverages, but when they returned they realised: "Shit! Brexit!" So, laughably, they set up a brainstorming session with Boris Johnson - which to no-ones surprise yielded no results because there wasn't enough brains in the room to fill a shot-glass.
Perhaps the most telling point is how politicians, when discussing Brexit, always add: "It won't be easy." This reminds me of people saying "Now, there might be a few casualties" whilst recruiting for World War One. The propaganda during 1914 occasionally showed just one soldier lying face-down, or else falling heroically down amongst a group of stone-faced warriors. It's the same here. Theresa May uses ridiculous, cliche metaphors such as "it won't be smooth sailing" and "there may be a few bumps in the road" to describe what could be anything from another, 2008-style recession (which we still haven't recovered from) or a complete economic collapse.
And the road to what? May insists that the economy will recover, so is that the ultimate aim? Well, Phillip Hammond scrapped the 2020 target for economic stability. In fact, he plans to not only increase spending but increase borrowing despite the Tories constantly laying into Labour for borrowing too much in 2008.
The only thing we seem to be striving towards is Brexit...whatever the hell Brexit actually means. But even that makes no sense. Theresa May announced that Article 50 will be triggered no later than May 2017, but it'll only take place once 'everything is in order.' But surely it's only when we're out of the European Union when we're 'free' to establish new trade contacts and ground ourselves with our own laws? Is May 2017 Brexit month? Or is it just the beginning? Liam Fox hasn't even hired anyone for his 'Brexit' department yet.
We don't know when Brexit will happen, or even what Brexit is. It's the most talked about part of this conference and no-one can actually tell us anything about it - which leads me to believe that the government has absolutely no idea what it's doing. This would be hilarious if it wasn't for the fact that my future hangs in the balance of a bunch of baboons.
1. Soldiers Can No Longer Be Charged
This policy has been on it's way for a few weeks now, but it was during the conference where it was triumphantly launched. In part, this is number one because no-one seems to be talking about this seemingly minor policy change when actually it's the darkest, most fascist part of this conference and makes me feel even more intimidated than racism or economic ruin.
In short, British Soldiers can no longer be accused of human rights violations.
OK, there are exceptions. Violations of the Geneva Convention will still be investigated, as will allegations of torture or degrading treatment. But Soldiers will not be charged for violating the right to liberty, and the right to life. They now have the power to murder and cause havoc with far less restraint.
Theresa May has presumably gained all her military knowledge from playing a Call Of Duty game. She assumes that soldiers are completely free from any moral obligation and can do absolutely no wrong. Every life they take deserves to be taken. There are no civilians. There is no moral ambiguity. There is only Us vs Them.
Defence Secretary Michael Fallon says that "the system has been abused," citing one occasion when £34m was spent on an inquiry into the death of 20 Iraqis, which turned out to be a lie. He neglects to mention an inquiry last month that revealed four UK soldiers drowned an Iraqi boy. He also assures us that troops will still need to comply with UK criminal law...even though they're now free from obeying the right to liberty and life. Murder your neighbour and it's a life sentence. Murder an Iraqi and it's OK.
The same way the Tories found that a few people were abusing the benefits system, so they began scrapping benefits - now they're scrapping part of the Human Rights Act due to a minority of abuses. Once again, Conservatives are trying to stop abuses of the system by simply shutting down the system. Without wishing to trivialise the horrific murder of innocents: if someone slips past the Facebook nudity filter, Mark Zuckerberg doesn't stop everyone posting photos on Facebook.
Theresa May claims this'll stop troops being harassed...but was this even the case before? The UK police force isn't as bad as the US police force. All the time, inquiries against policemen are made, and no-one seems to mind that. The police aren't complaining about added pressure. And neither are our troops. So why does this policy exist?
Some may argue it's the £100 million spent dealing on Iraq-related claims. However, that raises the counter-argument to any complaints about military expenditure in Iraq: "Well maybe you shouldn't have invaded in the first place."
I've discussed this before, but war is not only a logistical nightmare; it's also staggeringly expensive. We're due to spend at least £34 billion next year in military defence, we spent £8.4 billion on Iraq between 2003-2009, and £20.3 billion if you include Afghanistan. And, again, if you're complaining about spending too much on Iraq then you shouldn't have invaded.
But let's move on to more recent conflicts. Right now, there is the question of whether drone strikes are even legal. Since drones are remote-controlled air-planes that drop explosives, any attachment to the target has been removed. You are executing perhaps an entire group of suspects without trial. Obviously intelligence is gathered beforehand, so these strikes are (I hope) not indiscriminate; but drone strikes are murder - whether justified or not. There is no question of self-defence because a drone strike is a stealth attack.
The UK's involvement in Syria and Iraq is dodgy to say the least. We've had the Chillcot Report already on Iraq, but our activity there continues. Whilst we haven't committed the level of atrocity orchestrated by the Syrian government and Russia; the fact we've orchestrated over one thousand airstrikes in Syria and Iraq yet the Ministry of Defence hasn't reported a single civilian casualty is extremely suspicious to me; especially considering Airwars estimates 1,358 killed by US/UK airstikes (of which the US only admits to "possibly" 42). This whole affair, again, reminds me of North Korea in how none of their hospitals have any patients. I mean, it's possible that North Koreans miraculously don't get sick, but somehow I think something shadier is going on...
And what of the families of the victims? There is no compensation. There is no justice. If your child or parent was killed by a soldier then it's now so much harder to inquire whether the death was lawful - because the Ministry Of Defence isn't going to do that for you. Maybe I'd be more sympathetic towards the armed forces if this wasn't the post-Iraq era. I've read Baghdad Burning. I've looked into the atrocities committed by troops, and this doesn't deserve to just be dropped. Victims are already crushed by British-made boots. They don't deserve to subsequently be crushed by the system. That's how people are radicalised...
Perhaps I'm more disgusted by what this represents. We live in the age of proxy wars, cold wars, and endless wars. The fact that the next Call Of Duty game is set in space shows that the image of soldiers as noble heroes is long gone. The public has realised what was always the case: that war is dirty. War is destructive. There was no winner in Vietnam, or the Balklands, or Afghanistan, or Iraq. Syria is set to go on indefinitely in an endless parade of human misery, with the death toll rising daily, orphaned children being pulled from rubble, bodies washing up on beaches, and burns being only treated by mud.
And Theresa May looks at all this and thinks "there's too much paperwork here."
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