Who The Hell Should I Vote For?

The election is almost upon us, and so every party of note has released their manifesto. If you don’t know, these are very long documents – usually filled with jargon – detailing precisely what the party will work towards should they succeed. It’s basically 80 or so pages saying: “PLEASE VOTE FOR US”

I haven’t read through every single party, but since this is the first General Election that I’m allowed to vote in, I thought I’d better do it properly. So, I sat down and trawled through not two, not three, not even four but five manifestos. I’m not covering the Scottish National Party or Plaid Cymru because Scottish politics and Welsh politics are a different matter altogether. I barely understand English politics, though I’ll probably read through their manifestos to educate myself after the election. For now, I’m sticking to the parties that are represented in my constituency, which is why I’m not covering The Monster Raving Looney Party either.

I’m going to list where each party stands on various key issues that society faces. I should note that I’m not covering every issue here because, as we all know, politicians are liars. I’m not discussing the NHS because both the Conservatives and UKIP have done a complete 180 – from wanting to privatise to blindly pumping billions into it. Thus: I don’t believe a word either party says about it. Similarly, I’m not going to cover how each party intends to tackle the deficit because every party seems to be spouting different figures. One will say everything is fine and dandy, the other will claim the world is on the brink of destruction. This only serves to spread confusion, which in turn makes the electorate vulnerable to suggestion. People are more likely to just vote for who has the most charismatic leader than the policies they promote when each party just spews rubbish.

So I’m not going to play their game. I’m going to cover issues that aren't based around complete lies. Yes, it’s entirely possible that the party could still perform a u-turn, but they’re more likely to be called out on it should this happen. These are the transparent issues that’re supported by more than dental floss and prayers. Well, for the most part…

First, I shall summarise each manifesto I read before proceeding to the meat of the discussion:

The Conservative manifesto is the most boring document I’ve ever read…and I’ve had to study nineteenth century literature. It’s obsessed with the economy and financial stability, with little space left for actual humanity. The Tories seem firm in their belief that they’ve done a fine job over the past five years – which is an extremely debatable assumption – and all they wish to do is keep up the good work. The few brand new ideas are the only times I became invested in their rhetoric…if only to laugh/despair.

Meanwhile, the Labour manifesto claims to be “inspired by you,” and is very much about the people rather than the money. They claim that the country is completely broken, and nothing short of a complete renewal is necessary. Whilst the Conservatives prefer achingly dull specifics, Labour’s manifesto is much vaguer, lumping several polices into a page-long spiel instead of breaking things up nicely into paragraphs. This being said: despite the Conservatives continuing to relentlessly attack Labour’s plans, there’s nothing abhorrent present. But this is a manifesto, not a crystal ball.

The Liberal Democrats are now finally free of the Tory dungeon and can actually be a political party rather than a puppet. At this point the Liberals could promise the legalization of marijuana and people would still hate them. Like the Conservatives, their manifesto remains smug in its belief that they’ve been a success when if you ask anyone else they’ll say the coalition has been more or less a failure. The Liberals haven’t done anything to repair the enormous damage they’ve suffered, and this is going to affect them badly come election day. A shame, since the Liberals remain progressive in their policies, with them being the only party to recognize the right of free speech within their manifesto and still championing equality and diversity.

I really didn't want to read UKIP’s manifesto, but I also didn't want to be accused of being a politically correct communist. The prose alternates between scaremongering and blind patriotism; claiming that Britain is a glorious entity under threat from dirty foreigners, and that if you wish to ‘save’ Britain then you must vote UKIP. Exaggerations aside, UKIP seem very pleased that their manifesto is the only one in history to be ‘independently verified’ (meaning some economist read through it and said it made sense to him) and when they’re not decrying foreigners they’re even more fixated on money than the Conservatives. Still, this is by far the most readable manifesto I’ve ever seen in that I can actually understand the parts about money, and in this regard the other parties have much to learn. But its readability works to its detriment since all it does is clearly show how arse-headed UKIP is.

Finally, at the last moment, I decided to check out the Green Party manifesto also, since there’s a Green candidate in my constituency. And I’m really glad I did, because it’s surprisingly great. It’s easy to read, and whilst the UKIP and Conservative manifesto’s made me feel utter despair, this one actually filled me with some hope. Perhaps it’s because the manifesto opens detailing the policies I actually care about rather than money. And, whilst I’m no expert, the stuff about money seems more thought-out than many assume – removing my previous image of tree-hugging hippies.

Right, with the summaries out of the way, let's get it on: 

Welfare:

Welfare has endured enormous and arguably excessive cuts. The use of food-banks is at an all-time high, and everything is overall looking a bit like District 12 from 'The Hunger Games.' So what will the ruling party do?

Tory: 

Will cap welfare spending. Will support childcare only so people aren’t put off having children. Will help those suffering from “long term illnesses” but only if they receive treatment. Encourages volunteering, as if to say: “well, if you care so much then why don’t you do something about it.”

Labour: 

Intends to deal with the cause rather than the symptoms. Will expand free childcare from 15 to 25 hours per week. Will keep the Conservatives target to end child poverty by 2020, but will actually intend to meet it – whilst the Conservatives plan to extend it. Will remove the bedroom tax as a third of those hit by it are disabled.

Liberal: 

Will commit to 20 hours free childcare per week in addition to introducing ‘tax-free childcare.’ Will clamp down on sanctioning those unable to find work, and will improve links between jobcentres and NHS to ensure people are able to get back to work.

UKIP: 

Pledges to protect the elderly (their primary voting demographic) by greatly improving care-home standards and supporting home-care workers. Will end the “unfair” Work Capability Assessments and return to disabled benefits being judged on a case-by-case basis. Childcare will be tax-free. Will only lower the cap on benefits however, and will only invest in more foodbanks instead of eliminating the cause of foodbanks.

Green: 

Will provide free prescriptions for elderly, as well as also enforcing the rights of the elderly. Committed to end child poverty by keeping the 2020 deadline, will pay foster carers a salary, and will build a free but voluntary childcare service. Will also increase child benefits and will not cap benefits overall.

Education:

When I left Secondary Education in 2010, it was honestly shambolic. And, from what I've heard, it's only gotten worse. Whilst that idiot Michael Gove has thankfully been re-shuffled elsewhere, schools are still recovering from the damage caused. How will each party solve our appalling literacy rates and collapsing education system?

Tory: 

Will continue to turn secondary schools into privatised academies. Plans ‘zero tolerance’ for failure by developing a stricter curriculum that heavily focuses on Maths, Science, and Engineering to promote industry. The only party that won’t protect teachers or teaching standards.

Labour: 

Will encourage vocational routes that concentrate on technical innovation. Will reward high-performing teachers, and will overall focus on increasing teaching standards to achieve better results. Plans to stop academies. Will introduce compulsory, inclusive sex–education. At the last moment, the manifesto claims that pupils will study Maths and English until they’re 18; which is…um…optimistic.

Liberal: 

Will ensure the education budget is not cut. Aims to eradicate illiteracy by 2025 by improving teaching standards. Will also ensure creativity and general life-skills are promoted.

UKIP: 

Will ease teachers workloads by cutting down on paperwork. Bizarrely wants every town to have a grammar school. Will stop sex-education in primary schools and will give parents the option to pull their children from sex-ed classes in secondary school. Will ensure education is kept firmly Christian in an effort to stop radicalisation – forgetting that Christian extremism is far commoner than Islamic extremism, as well as Christian education being extremely regressive in terms of science and sociology.

Green: 

Will also reduce teacher’s workload. Will raise the teaching age from four to seven years. Will make teaching equality and diversity mandatory right from the first year of primary school. Will phase out public funding of religious schools. Will abolish Ofsted, and instead let parents evaluate schools. Every disabled child will receive a mainstream education.

Re-balancing Tax:

The Coalition has presided over an anomaly. The poor are having more money taken away from them - and, somehow, this has all ended up in the laps of the richest 1% in the country. Every party is of the opinion that a re-balance is required before we witness the return of Robin Hood. But how will things be re-balanced?

Tory: 

Reduce taxes for the working class. Encourages businesses. Nothing about preventing tax avoidance.

Labour: 

Will reduce taxes for the working class and will close all tax avoidance loopholes. Will increase tax on those who earn over £500,000 a year. Whilst I fear this’ll send things in the opposite direction, with the upper class being demonised instead of the working class…I think if you earn £500,000 a year you can just shut yourself away in your mansion or intergalactic pleasure dome.

Liberal: 

Reduce tax for working and middle class. Will close all tax avoidance loopholes.

UKIP: 

Boldly claims to be ‘tax-free.’ Of course, this is bullshit. Income tax will be cut, and local trade encouraged. Also plan to end corporation-tax avoidance.

Green: 

Will introduce an incremental system that’ll mean the more you earn, the more you'll pay and vice-versa. Will close all tax avoidance loopholes. Will interestingly also use tax as a deterrent. Such items as tobacco and non-renewable energy will be taxed, for example.

Immigration:

Regardless of if you actually believe immigration is an actual problem or not, the government has been facing pressure from the public (stirred by a certain far-right party) to control the number of immigrants entering the UK. Who intends to fold under said pressure? 

Tory: 

Claims to put “Britain first” (which is, disturbingly, the name of a fascist group). Will renegotiate with the EU, with the plan being centered on benefits rather than immigrants themselves. Half-heartedly copying UKIP’s pledge to remove ‘health-tourism.’

Labour: 

Will “control immigration with fair rules.” Will strengthen borders. Won’t turn away refugees and won’t limit benefits.

Liberal: 

Will encourage “high-skill immigration” but won’t take measures against immigration.

UKIP: 

Claims immigrants are not the problem, and that actually the system is to blame – yet ultimately the reason why they blame the system is because it lets too many immigrants through. Will cap immigrants and introduce a merit-based system that’ll permit migrants based on skill. Will also tackle ‘sham marriages.’ Will increase number of border control staff. Insists legal asylum seekers will be permitted, but any and all illegal immigrants will be sent straight back home regardless of their situation. It’s unclear if asylum seekers will be included in the immigration cap.

Green: 

Won’t take measures against immigration.

Lowering/Eliminating Tuition Fees:

The main reason why the Liberal Democrats currently have a worse public standing than Rolf Harris is because they pledged to lower the tuition fees, only to subsequently raise it because ultimately the Tories wear the leather jockstrap in this relationship. So who's going to repair the damage? 

Tory: 

Fees remain the same extortionate amount and maintenance loans dismally small. Students will continue to be exploited by universities, landlords, agencies, and downright scammers. Will not address over-subscriptions, and will in fact exacerbate the problem by removing the cap on the number of students.

Labour: 

Will cut tuition fees from £9,000 to £6,000 a year.

Liberal: 

Obviously no mention of this after the omnishable in 2010. Smart.

UKIP: 

Plan to reduce and even eliminate tuition fees in certain subjects such as Science and Engineering. Foreign Students will only be permitted in certain universities, they won’t receive a student loan at all, and they won’t receive access to the NHS.

Green: 

Will eliminate all tuition fees. Will reintroduce student grants and will stop Chancellors and Vice-Chancellors paying themselves £300,000 a year whilst lecturers and on-campus staff are routinely exploited.

Tackling Climate Change:

Remember Climate Change? There was a time in the mid-2000's when it was all anyone talked about, then the stock-markets crashed and suddenly everyone stopped caring - including the government. With little to no effort made to reduce carbon emissions, and a two degree increase in the Earths temperature (which sounds like nothing, I know) being the biggest oncoming disaster we're currently facing - which parties plan to take action on this? 

Tory: 

“Almost every” car and van will be zero emission by 2050. Wants to encourage more people to cycle. Plans to achieve all this by throwing money at it and praying we’ll discover some kind of magic car or armored bike. Will maintain forests and seas whilst also working to restore the UKs biodiversity, but they plan to stop onshore wind farming without suggesting an alternative. No mention of the upcoming two degree increase. 

Labour: 

Recognizes climate change as a global issue. Will create a legal carbon limit that’ll remove all carbon from the UK’s electricity supply by 2030. Will limit onshore gas and oil extraction. Committed to reach goal of net zero global emissions…but doesn’t really say how this’ll be done. No mention of the two degree increase.

Liberal: 

Accepts the two degree increase is a thing, but claims it’s inevitable. Will instead set a “legally binding” target to bring greenhouse gas emissions to zero by 2050. Will encourage onshore wind-farms and increase number of new nuclear power stations. Will overall encourage as many new low carbon energy providers as possible. Will pass a Zero Waste Britain and a Resource Efficiency act by setting a 70% recycling target and a plethora of other regulations. There’s also a Green Transport act and a Green Buildings Act.

UKIP: 

Plans to scrap The Department of Climate Change, increase shale gas extraction, increase coal consumption, get rid of wind-farms and generally do all in their power to doom the planet under the hilarious pretense that it’ll “protect future generations.” No mention of the two degree increase, probably because it’ll mainly affect foreign people, and UKIP likely still blames the recent floods on gays.

Green: 

As their name implies, the Green party wishes to prevent the two degree increase altogether. Aims for a 90% reduction in greenhouse gasses in the next 15-20 years, believing the Climate Change Act of 2008 is not good enough. Will take funds out of military research and instead fund research into alternate energy resources. Will begin to phase out landfills and incinerators in favour of recycling. Will outright ban shale gas extraction, and will stop nuclear energy since it’s not nearly as eco-friendly as the Coalition thinks it is.

EU Referendum:

Again, this is an issue stirred by UKIP that's not really an issue. And, again, the government is facing pressure from an easily manipulated public. Who will sink and who will stick two fingers in their ears?

Tory: 

Very grudgingly has pledged to renegotiate relations with EU and will hold a referendum in 2017. Only doing this because of a certain person whose name rhymes with Angel Massage.

Labour: 

Intends to re-negotiate and strengthen EU relations. No referendum.

Liberal: 

No referendum.

UKIP: 

Their flagship policy. Will immediately hold a referendum if elected. Hilariously, UKIP seems certain that the public will say ‘no’ to Europe despite countless polls saying otherwise. Even more hilariously; if the referendum fails then UKIP will be unable to enact about 99% of their manifesto pledges.

Green: 

No referendum. 

Feminism:

Yes, the 'f' word. This is an area parliament never seems to put much thought into - which is why women still don't get equal pay and must still fear harassment, domestic violence, rape, and genital mutilation. As with global warming, these are all solvable issues that the government just can't be bothered to solve. So what's everyone saying this time round? 

Tory:  

Only the section on “tackling violence against women and girls” explicitly addresses working towards gender equality. Prevention of Female Genital Mutilation is a priority, as are victims of domestic and sexual violence. The actual prevention of domestic and sexual violence isn’t mentioned. 

Labour: 

Declare themselves “the party of equality.” Will force large companies to publish their gender pay gap and pledges that laws against maternity discrimination will be strengthened. Also plans to end “violence against women and girls” and will do this by increasing funds towards women’s refuges and Rape Crisis Centers. Will publish a Violence against Women and Girls Bill.

Liberal: 

Will ensure a million more women will be in work by 2020 by improving childcare support and ending the gender-pay gap. Will push for schools to promote “positive body image” and is the only party that pledges to teach pupils about consent in their manifesto.

UKIP: 

Nothing. I'm trying to remain unbiased here, but this is a fucking disgrace. 

Green: 

Will introduce anonymised CV’s to stop discrimination in recruitment. Will stop unequal pay, and will require at least 40% of all members of public company and public sector boards to be women. Will tackle media sexism by banning pornography from supermarkets and newsagents. Will make it illegal to stop mothers from breastfeeding in a public place. Aims to implement a UK-wide strategy to tackle violence against women, including domestic violence, rape and sexual abuse, genital mutilation and trafficking.

Protection and Equality for Muslims/Jews/any group besides white Christians:

There is a disturbing rise in hate-crime in the UK. This is thanks to certain far-right parties, whether unintentionally or not, stirring up fascists and idiots alike. It should really be in the governments best interests to stop this wave of xenophobia before said xenophobics end up in parliament itself. But who actually plans to do this, and how?

Tory: 

Plans to ‘protect’ everyone by scrapping the Human Rights Act. This is precisely the opposite of protection, as it’ll mean the government can discriminate against anyone they please without repercussion.

Labour: 

Wants parliament to “look more like Britain” by ensuring not just the government but all national institutions hire a diverse range of employees. How this will be done is vague, yet Labour vows to not scrap the Human Rights Act. Will also appoint a Global Envoy for Religious Freedom.

Liberal: 

Will work closely with several networks, including the Interfaith Network, the Community Security Trust, and the Muslim Council of Britain to tackle hate crime. Won’t scrap Human Rights Act.

UKIP: 

Actively rejects multiculturalism despite claiming to encourage integration. Wants to scrap not just the Human Rights Act, but any legislation that protects minorities under the guise of promoting ‘free speech.’  

Green: 

Anonymised CV’s extend to ethnic minorities also. Will not only keep the Human Rights Act, but will reinstate funding for the Equality and Human Rights Commission. Will tackle institutional racism within the police force and will make sure schools that serve ‘vulnerable’ communities are protected. Will also work with networks to tackle hate-crime.

Protection and Equality for LGBT people:

Whilst I can now marry, there's still no way I can hold hands with another man in public without experiencing hostility. Considering that the same-sex marriage act was only passed reluctantly, my quest to be recognized as an actual human being is still far from over. So who intends to keep up the work, and whose become complacent? 

Tory: 

Majority of finance-related policies appear to apply towards same-sex couples also. Will pardon those convicted under anti-gay laws in the past. Despite claiming “there is still more to do” when it comes to LGBT rights, they don’t actually suggest what else must be done.

Labour: 

Will make sex education LGBT inclusive. Will also appoint an International LGBT Rights Envoy. Manifesto itself says nothing of pardoning those convicted under the gross indecency act, yet apparently Labour wishes to not only pardon these people but to strike the crimes off the record altogether. It’s annoying they left this out of the final draft.

Liberal: 

Will enact the remaining unimplemented clauses of the 2010 Equality Act (better late than never, I suppose). Will ensure same-sex couples will be given the same divorce and inheritance rights as straight couples, will permit humanist weddings, and will pardon those convicted under the gross indecency act. Homophobic and transphobic bullying in schools will be clamped down on, and catholic schools must adhere to this regulation also.

UKIP: 

Nothing. It should be noted that pulling out of the EU will result in no outside regulation, which’ll allow for UKIP to repeal pro-LGBT and instate anti-LGBT laws should they want to.  

Green: 

Only party to extend LGBT to LGBTIQ. Pledges equal divorce and inheritance rights. Will pardon those convicted under the gross indecency act, will end NHS cuts to gender reassignment surgery. Will provide mandatory and inclusive sex education that also covers HIV. Will introduce campaigns which target not only homophobic bullying but also biphobic and transphobic bullying. Will also end the detention of LGBTIQ asylum seekers.

So that’s all I want to cover. I have a pretty clear idea of who I’m going to vote for now, but I must stress that I’m not trying to manipulate anyone in any way. These are merely observations from what I’ve read.

What should you do now? Educate yourself. I’m so glad I read through these manifesto’s since it’s opened my mind to options I’d never considered and given me clarity over where each party currently stands. Of course, with coalitions and compromises these policies will all probably change – but, as I said, these are manifestos; not crystal balls. No-one could have predicted the Liberal Democrats selling out to the Conservatives last election. No-one could have predicted Labour's money-borrowing disastrously backfiring. As with any situation, you just have to evaluate what you know thus far and go for what you think is the best option. 

And to the people refusing to vote because "all politicians are just as bad as each-other": you have clearly never read a manifesto in your life. Again, any party here could go back on their word, but I now know that there are definitely some parties that should never set foot in parliament again. And not voting will just make it worse because a refusal to vote means another vote towards the people you hate. If you won't back a party, why not at least keep the true idiots out rather than the half-idiots?

This is the one time when politicians are under your power. Don't waste this.