For some reason, us English are regarded as pure evil by Hollywood. If you have a received dialect then apparently you enjoy drowning kittens on weekends. This is all a little alienating considering I have a rather unfortunate accent that sounds like a Bond Villain talking dirty. The only way I could be a hero is if I was Sherlock Holmes, which actually makes sense considering I can only function in society if I’m on an adventure or on drugs.
I’ve always joked that if I carried on acting (and
if I was actually any good at it) then I would have eventually ended up playing
a villain in a Hollywood blockbuster. But it’s actually true. So many actors
here struggle with living in such an insignificant country, clawing their way
through endless Shakespeare, and finally bursting into Hollywood…only to play
some cackling git in the loudest film of the summer. And then it’s back to the
theatre for them as they attempt to salvage any dignity they still have.
Remember Star
Trek: Into Bland Title? The sequel that copied Wrath of Khan then removed everything good about it – right down to
replacing the Cuban Khan with Scar from The
Lion King. Or The Avengers with
Loki, the lone English hero beating off a group of self-entitled, self-justified,
and over-muscled gits? Or Superman, the all-American one-man holocaust, fighting
the English General Zod?
Or Robin Hood:
Prince of Thieves, which concerns English legend, is set in England, and
concerns Englishmen…yet Robin Hood is played by Kevin Costner, and the villain
is bloody Snape.
Or lets us not forget Star Wars, where the evil Nazi-like Empire are all English whilst
the buff Rebel Alliance are all American. (“So, what makes you want to join our
totalitarian regime?” “Well, my accent sounds like Vincent Price winning on the
scratch-cards.” “When can you start?”) Although, this is much better than the
prequels where the heroes were mostly upper-class white people whilst the antagonists
were mostly rebel Indian stereotypes.
Heck, even Smaug from The Hobbit had to have an English accent just in case the audience
had any pretence that the hulking death-machine who murdered innocents might be
the good guy.
I was even playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution, which was at first doing a good job
keeping its heroes and villains ambiguous when WHAM! EVIL ENGLISH GUY! It’s
even infecting my games!
It’s not the fact that we’re always evil that annoys
me. OK, it does annoy me, but at least we own
playing villains. What bothers me is that we’re never the hero.
You’re only going to see an English hero in a Bond
movie. Or in a Tolkein-esque fantasy setting…because Medieval England evokes so
much wonder with all its muddy hills and grey castles. Daniel Craig has proven
you can have a hunky, grizzled hero who’s also distinctly English. Hollywood
seems to think that England is entirely populated by skinny, slightly
effeminate puppet masters – despite one of their most popular franchises
proving otherwise.
“Oh, but a lot of Blockbusters concern either
America or American themes.”
THEN WHY ARE THE VILLANS ENGLISH!?! If they concern
America, then the villain should be American.
Are the villain’s English just to make us not feel left out? Because I’m able
to read stories about cultures I barely understand, and I can identify with
everyone perfectly…unless they’re badly written, but that’s another topic.
“Oh, but we Americans are passionate whilst you
English are more reserved.”
I wouldn’t be making this post if I wasn’t
passionate. And no, I’m not passionate about my country; I’m just passionate
about the fact that according to the majority of popular culture, I’m evil. You
need to meet more Englishmen, hypothetical strawman I’ve just invented!
No, I’m not evil because I’m English. I’m evil
because I kill anyone who uses the word ‘literally’ incorrectly.
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