SHUT UP ED SHEERAN

I originally hated Ed Sheeran. My 'cool' friends were going mad over this guy (forgetting he wrote songs for One Direction) whilst I was getting excited about Kraftwerk's return, but I tried to put all taste aside so I could listen to his first album: + with open ears. I still hated it. I hated how Ed sounded so pleased with himself whilst singing about a prostitute dying of drug addiction in The A Team. I hated how he promised to be there for some person in Lego House without actually saying how he'll support this person (though, the music video is actually really clever). I hated the swagger he tries to convey in You Need Me I Don't Need You whilst sounding as nasally and out of his league as Vanilla Ice.

Dulux Hollywood White

You'd think that after Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Barrack Obama, the thousands of black Americans who've called America out on it's inherent racism, and the millions who have been victims to racial abuse - the United States might stop being racist assholes for once.

"The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword"

At face value, it's clear the pen isn't mightier than the sword. Maybe you could ride into battle with The Complete Works of Shakespeare to use as a sort of warhammer, but try it with Heart of Darkness then let me know how much of your face remains afterwards. And let us not forget that this blog post doesn't actually exist within this universe. You're peering through the black mirror into a digital world that cannot harm you unless you allow it to.

Adventures in Amsterdam

So it may seem as though I was embarking upon a typical 'lads trip out' when I hopped on the train to der Nederlands, but this was slightly different since rather than bringing five jockish straight dudes determined to smoke marijuana and chug alcohol (which, if you're thinking this sounds like a great idea, isn't) I bought my family.

Adam Sandler Has The Secret Of Writing

Adam Sandler. On the Internet, you don't hear much praise for the guy...and for a very good reason. His films, for a variety of reasons which may or may not have anything to do with Adam Sandler himself, are more pleasant than the sound of bagpipes at a mass crucifixion.

But Dr Sandler actually mastered the secret of writing. Yes. Chances are that Adam Sandler is a better writer than you. Please don't mention my name anywhere on your suicide note.

It's Not Over

I was having a bad day Friday. Work was a pain, with ten computers deciding to simultaneously break in one room - and the only way I could get them working again was to replace every network cable and tear out part of the wall so I could thread all the wires through. Then, covered in dust, I had to trawl through the cupboard full of broken computers noting the serial number, unscrewing the back, and then adding the serial numbers to a database. I still maintain that I like my job, but I almost ran out once the day was over.

Screwing Up

What's your one biggest fear? Mine is death. Oh, and spiders....because they remind me of death. If you want to be my boyfriend then you need to be able to deal with spiders in a way that doesn't involve having an arachnid corpse splattered against the wall. Or perhaps radiate a chemical that naturally repels them. Or just be really good with a hoover.