1. The
Trivialisation of Everything
Life is not a list. That may seem obvious, but think
about it.
Nothing in this world can be coherently ranked
unless it’s abhorrent. I can’t say whether bread is better than cheese, but I
can definitely say that either is better than celery…and chocolate trumps them
all.
Life is a thing with infinite possibilities,
infinite values, it’s just infinite. But listing reduces it to a finite, arbitrarily
ranked slip of paper to be stuck on your wall and never looked at. Life becomes
not something you explore, discover, or even just observe – it’s something to
be stuck in a filing cabinet.
2. 2. The
Dumbing Down of all Discourse.
You probably don’t even know what discourse is, do
you?
Listing has turned articles about various topics
into a series of viral images. There used to be a time when people would have
to articulate their points. Even the tackiest website would have to use that ‘P.E.E’
structure the ‘writers’ giggled at when they were thirteen. (My history teacher
went one step further and introduced ‘C.O.C’ and ‘F.E.C’ to the world.)
But now we have just one simple sentence followed by
a picture of a cat. And that’s our lot. Sometimes we’ll get two sentences if we have an Oscar Wilde
in our midst.
Because who uses words to convey witticisms,
anecdotes, and banter? That’s SO 1850! We use Anchorman GIFs now! We use pop-culture to express our views on pop-culture.
We exist in this great big ball of excrement outside of actual thought or
creativity!
3. 1. The
Plaguing of Social Media
Social media already has pseudo-charities and pseudo-socialism
and pseudo-autobiographies and sodding Ice Bucket Challenges without also
needed these lists. I don’t even know what anyone’s doing even more. I think my
cousin might be dead. My childhood friends might be in prison for
drug-trafficking. I don’t know – all I’m getting is pop-culture drip-fed via
barely-literate articles.
4. 8. The
Promotion of Discussion When There is None
Never encourage online discussion, because there is
no discussion online. It’s impossible to have a conversation online because you
can’t see who you’re talking to and you’re communicating through different
plains of existence, both literally and figuratively
Lists always end with something like: “Disagree?
Share your thoughts in the comments.” And then you scroll down to find either
idiots or, more likely, nothing.
There is no discussion online – there is only
debate, and I never engage in debate because in a debate there is no right or
wrong answer. People will just shout until their blue in the face and nothing
will be achieved. And with that, I’ve just summed up the internet in a
nutshell.
5. #. The
Whole “Number 3 will have you in tears” Bollocks
I don’t know about you, but as a writer I’ve always
been told never to say how your reader should feel. So my scrotum shrivels like
a chestnut whenever I see that the title of ‘One Reason Why Oxygen Is Good For
You: You won’t believe number one!”
You don’t have to say “you will now be amazed” or “you’re
about to be terrified” when you’re a writer. Just amaze or terrify! Once you’ve
set the readers expectation so high, you can either meet it or flunk it. You
can’t exceed it.
Telling your reader what they should think is
Orwellian, smug, condescending, and just appalling writing. In fact, that’s
what wrong with these ‘articles’ in the first place. I should have just written
this paragraph and then bunked off…just like everyone else who writes lists.
Disagree? Then sod off. You have the free-thought to
ignore this post completely and carry on with your life never thinking about me
again.
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