My Dying Scream For Orlando

If, as a 22 year old gay writer, I'm supposed to be some kind of representative for my generation, then this is the first time I might be fulfilling this role. I am a shell of a human. The last few years have numbed me, and now I feel my stone heart begin to crack finally. What follows is my dying scream, because at last you've all come for me now.

I talked about Paris last year. I saw the bodies, even though the rest of the world was busy shouting at each-other over them. That left an emptiness within me; not just because of the dead, but because the living didn't share this emptiness. I'm sure there were others. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who sat in silence, feeling as though the attackers had murdered part of me too. I still hope that they, like me, existed but were too locked in this silence. 

The same happens again, but the names and places are changed. Though the murderer wasn't an agent of IS, but merely a fanatic latching himself onto IS; the situation is identical in how the world has reacted. The same people rush to social media to say exactly the same thing. The same majorities slam through whilst the minorities disappear in the squabble. It's as though another, digital catastrophe has broken out directly after the real one. 

The ultimate downfall here is that without social media I would not have such a widespread knowledge of this catastrophe and the social events that led up to it. Yet social media has ruined everything here. Any poignancy or chance to grieve has been ruined by a non-stop, auto-refreshing wave of cunts. 

That's what you all are. Cunts. 

I see you. I don't respond because my rage would be incoherent, but I see you. My Facebook friends who I've followed since school. People who I've seen on television. People I've read before. Anonymous strangers I've never met. I see you. 

You won't call this homophobia. You'll clutch tight to that one article saying that the killer was Muslim and that his father came from Afghanistan. You'll ignore the fact the killer was born in New York, was raised in America, and rarely practised his religion. You'll say Islam made him do it, ignoring all the other Muslim's explaining how such a violent attack goes completely against the basic principles of Islam - because doing this would require you to learn something. To understand a world outside your little bubble. To think. And I know you cannot think, because if you could think then we wouldn't be in this situation. 

Your bubble has no place for homosexuals like me. When you were at school, you called me 'gay.' I wasn't even out. I hadn't hit puberty, I didn't understand sexual attraction, but you called me 'gay' to insult me. You called my friends 'gay' because they didn't like sport. You called smaller, bookish types 'gay.' You called younger kids 'gay.' You called the teacher you didn't like 'gay.' You called the broken library computer 'gay.' You didn't even know what the word meant. You just called things it because that's what all the other boys called things they didn't like. 

But, later when you understood, you still used it. You called my friends 'gay' because they enjoyed dancing and liked art. They didn't conform to your bubble, so of course they weren't the same as you. None of my friends were actually gay, but what did you care? You hated them because they weren't like you. Letting them into your bubble made you feel uncomfortable, because you thought you were better than them. Inferiority has no place in your bubble. 

You grew up and your bubble shrunk. When you picked out clothes, you didn't want any that looked 'gay.' When you got your haircut, you asked for the most heterosexual haircut around. You were going to look cool so you could attract a person of the opposite sex - thus solidifying your heterosexuality. You joked at people who didn't have a heterosexual haircut. You wondered aloud whether a person was gay judging by the shoes they were wearing. Old habits die hard. You still yelled "GAY!" at passers-by, and still laughed when your friends did it - as though nothing had changed. 

Too quickly for your liking, you become an adult. Suddenly, there are people who say that being gay is perfectly fine. People you respect say we're all equals, and you agree because these people always say the right thing and you don't want to get caught out. You forget all the terrible things you said and did to me. You might have even visited a gay club yourself, out of curiosity. You might have even snuck a kiss with someone the same gender as you, just to be playful. You might be friends with gay people, so now in arguments you can say "I have plenty of gay friends." You said you wouldn't mind if your child was gay - even though if your child is gay then s/he will have to go through exactly the same torment you inflicted and continue to inflict on myself and others. 

Because your bubble remains. The pride parade rolls down, and you look confused. Why do they have to wear that clothing? Why do they have to close the street so they can do that? What have they done to earn this day? Why don't you have a pride parade? Why do they get whole months dedicated to them when you don't? Why do they have a flag, when you don't have one? They can get married now, after all. Isn't that enough? God, it's like no-ones straight anymore! 

Why do they have to hold hands? How are you supposed to explain this to your children? Must they kiss in public? Can't they take it elsewhere? You never kiss in public (except you do). You never hold hands (except you do). You would never shove your heterosexuality in someone's face, so why must they? Why are they asking the NHS to give them pills for free? Can't they just not have sex altogether? Isn't it their fault for catching HIV? 

Oh look, a gay man on television. No doubt placed there by the political correctness brigade to fill a diversity quota. If a person doesn't want to serve a gay man then why should they? After all, isn't it right there in the Bible? If it goes against their belief then surely they mustn't do it. It's the gay man's fault for trying to hog all the attention. He bought it on himself. If he acted like normal then this never would've happened. 

Why is that woman pretending to be a man? It's not right. As far as you're concerned, if she still has a dick then she's a man. It just looks so weird seeing a man in woman's clothing. Women aren't supposed to look like this. That thing isn't even a woman, it's just...ew! Get it out of here! Again, how are you supposed to explain this to your children? 

You want these people out of your bubble. You don't care what they get up to outside it. Your bubble represents normality. It makes you feel good about yourself because you are normal, and everything you surround yourself with is essentially a mirror. Your car is normal, like you. And you are normal just like your car. Homosexuals, Trans women/men, anyone on the LGBT spectrum isn't normal. They frighten you. They make everything look less normal, which in turn makes you feel less normal. You fear for your identity.  You've spent your whole life trying to achieve normality, and you don't want these freaks to ruin it. 

Well, we're dead now. 49 of us lie in the morgue peppered with your bullets. 49 people will no longer intrude in your bubble. You got what you always wanted. 

But you feel a twinge of guilt. Not because you have a conscience, but because people on Twitter say this is sad. The news says people are dead. You've been told that dead people are sad. There's been a lot of sad things happen

So you do what you always do when confronted with sadness. You write a tweet with a hashtag, saying that you'll 'pray' for Orlando, or that love will always win, or some bullshit like that. You don't really care. Your going to share the hashtag because the little rainbow heart looks cute. Your going to tweet about this because you'll get re-tweeted and you'll get liked or favourited or whatever the fuck you crave. Congratulations! You've achieved world peace whilst sitting in front of the television on your smartphone. 

Your prayers mean nothing. Every time there's a mass shooting, or a terrorist incident, you pray. And after you pray, there's another mass shooting. There's another terrorist incident. Your prayers mean nothing. 

Because you did this. I know you didn't grab your gun, and shoot up a nightclub. I know you probably don't live in the same city, or the same state, or maybe even the same country. But this is your fault. 

You have contributed to the homophobic society that lead us to this moment. I know I've been using myself as an example - but this is not about me. I am just one of millions of LGBT people who are victims of this society. I've avoided hate-crime and violence, but I'm one of the people you squashed on your path to so-called 'normality.' I cannot get your classroom whispers of "you're gaaaayyyy" out of my head. You ruined my life, and you don't even know it. How many other lives have you ruined because society told you to? 

This was before Orlando. Now? Now that I've been given proof in the worst possible way of how despite all the laws, despite all the progress, society (that's you) remains inherently homophobic; I'm too scared to fall in love. I don't want to look men in the eye. I am illegal in 72 countries. I face execution in five. Me looking a man in the eye and liking what I see is a crime. And I must walk around a criminal, trying not to let my guilt show because if anyone else knows then I face judgement. Even in my home country, where aside from a few technicalities I'm equal in the eyes of the law; I will be marked out. I am made to feel illegal even though my crime is being Max Butcher. 

Omar Mateen would not have murdered 49 people if he was raised in a society that wasn't homophobic. The state of Florida, where this shooting took place, has absolutely no protection for LGBT people. Even after this massacre, you can still be fired for being gay. You can be kicked out of a restaurant or bar. You can be denied a double room. Schools are allowed to teach students that homosexuality is wrong, and these students can grow up and purchase guns.

If it wasn't for you, Omar Mateen would've accepted his sexuality. He would've partied like everyone else at the Pulse club. I know exactly how Omar felt, because you made me hate myself too. When I was younger, I didn't go to gay clubs or hook up with people online because you made me despise who I was. Except I didn't have a gun. 

Same-sex marriage may now be legal in America, but already there is backlash. Every single Republican Presidential Candidate vowed to repeal same-sex marriage, along with a huge number of Republican senators. Laws are being introduced to promote 'religious freedom.' In many states it's now legal to discriminate against LGBT people. You can be chucked out of hotels and establishments simply for being gay or transgender, because by merely existing in the same bubble as another, you're violating their rights as a Christian - and as a Christian they have the legal right to hate you. Of course, these people aren't actual Christians but are simply using this as an excuse to evict me from their bubble...the same way Omar wasn't an actual Muslim. 

A moral panic is being spread by bigots that transgender people shouldn't be allowed in bathrooms, which has lead to men barging into women's toilets demanding that masculine-looking women show ID. Filthy-minded people obsessed with genitals construct wild fantasies of rape in order to demonise LGBT people. They want to deny us of our privacy and dignity for the sake of their little bubble. You, of course, have said nothing. 

Nothing will change. The hypocrites have emerged on social media. The Governor of Florida, Marco Rubio, has offered his condolences despite strongly opposing same-sex marriage and gay rights. Countless others have joined him; claiming this is a violation of human rights despite opposing gay rights themselves. Hilary Clinton stamped a cookie-cutter message on Twitter when she herself uses LGBT rights as a mere toy to secure more votes. The same goes with David Cameron of the UK; who only hurriedly called a vote on same-sex marriage because of public outrage. Then there's Australia who, despite the majority of the AUS parliament supporting same-sex marriage, are calling an expensive referendum in order to delay the affair. There's Northern Ireland, whose Democratic Unionist party has vetoed a same-sex marriage vote no less than four times despite a majority backing. Germany's Angela Merkel dares to pay tribute when she refuses to even discuss gay rights. It's still illegal to be gay in India and Jamaica despite them paying tribute. Oh, and there's Iran and Saudi Arabia condemning the attacks despite the fact that in both countries homosexuality is punishable by death.

No. You don't get to do this. You can't say there's a difference between murder and refusing to treat me like a human. I was human once. I once had the same rights as you, but then you called me 'gay' as an insult. You killed part of me when you did that. Why not finish the job?

This is all your fault. Omar Mateen flourished in this homophobic society, and when he became absorbed in the hatred it promotes; he found a cause to justify his actions. But you - all of you contribute to this society. Every crude stereotype, every minor slur, every time you've denied my existence has shaped this world of homophobia. You'll deny it. The newspapers say an Islamic extremist opened fire in a nightclub. They don't say a man murdered 49 people in a gay club on pride month because he was homophobic. They don't say that this man not only ruined us LGBT people, but he ruined Muslims worldwide by committing such an atrocity on Ramadan - tarnishing the most holy Islamic festival of the year. You're not content to destroying LGBT people, but you're now moving on to demonising Muslims; who already face even worse persecution than we do. Isn't ruining my life enough for you? 

This is all your fault, and the world is doomed because you'll never admit it.