On 'Star Wars'

I realise things have been getting a bit depressing on this blog recently. Whilst I could argue that the world at the moment is depressing, and I'm trying yet failing to find any redeeming qualities - I understand that this blog is supposed to be about art and all this moody political stuff is probably tiring. Sorry.

I'm not going to split this blog for a second time. I should...but I can't. I've already moved my discussions of gaming into another weekly blog (PLUG PLUG PLUG), and I'm currently struggling with writing two blogs - one of which involves playing a full game, whilst also holding down a part-time yet exhausting job, planning an increasingly vast novel, and writing short stories only to immediately delete them because it turns out I'm actually quite awful at this writing thing.

So...Star Wars! That's a happy thing! It's a really simple story about loveable American good-guys vs evil English space-Nazis. Because it's not like we helped each-other defeat the Nazis or anything. It's not like Hollywood's obesssion with recieved dialects means English actors are forever typecast and thus forced to spend their whole careers doing Shakespeare in an attempt to claw back some dignity.

Sorry, I'm getting moody again. Let's go back to Star Wars.

I recently did the thing everyones been doing on the run-up to The Force Awakens: a marathon. And by 'marathon,' I mean: 'I had the Star Wars movies on in the background whilst researching during my day off.' I'm pleased to see that I still like these films, even though Return of the Jedi has those painfully long scenes in Jabba's palace and on Endor. Someone recently made the genius suggestion that the two sub-plots should have been merged. Jabba should've been on Endor, he should have captured the rebels, revealed that he's been keeping Han all this time, but Luke persuades him to join them. Jabba is such a dark, cool character who's surrounded by other cool characters. Imagine how great it would've been to see him and his gang help defeat the Empire?

I think people are excited because the movie promises to take things in a new direction whilst also bringing the old gang back together. They're all forgetting that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull tried this, by bringing back Indiana Jones whilst also bringing in a brand new cast, and it sucked. Seeing Harrison Ford looking all old and frail as Indy just made me feel sorry for everyone involved. People disliked the film because it tried to introduce new people and new plot-elements, yet people also disliked it because it re-hashed the same formula. So audiences wanted change...but didn't want change.

The solution to this problem is simple: don't make the film.

They're also forgetting that Episode 1, 2, and 3 are three of the worst blockbuster movies I've ever say through. I think the only reason why no-one includes them in 'worst of' lists is because they fall into their own category of suck. The prequels are a never-ending goldmine of awful. Every time I watch them, or even every time I stop to think about them for a moment, I find something else wrong. Every single second of them is wrong. Even Revenge of the Sith is agony. It has its occasional moments, but it's just a poor imitation of much better films made 30 years prior. Even the good stuff is still wrong.

Fans are also excited because George Lucas has nothing to do with this film, which may seem odd from an outsiders perspective. Usually when the origianl creator backs out of the sequel, it's the kiss of death. Now that JJ Abrams has jumped ship from Star Trek to Star Wars, everyone's predicting doom for Star Trek: Beyond - particularly given that awful trailer that just came out. But the prequels were so bad that everyone's glad Lucas has sold the franchise and probably returned to some desert island somewhere.

I think part of the reason why Ep.4 still has a place in my heart is not necessarily because it's a great film, but because it's amazing that the film worked out as well as it did. Because I've seen the deleted scenes. I've seen parts of the first cut. I've seen the behind the scenes footage. Ep. 4 was a mess.

The film went massively over-budget within the first few months of shooting. The scenes on Tatooine were plagued with storms and technical faults. The studio shoot in England had to work round strict union rules. George Lucas was inexperienced and frequently clashed with both the cast and crew. The special effects team had to spend a whole year inventing technology to shoot the spaceships. One of the action scenes featured a six-foot body-builder and an old man having a swordfight where they couldn't actually whack the swords together because they would break. The cantina scene had to be partially re-shot. The film fell massively behind schedule, which meant 20th Century Fox kept trying to shut down production entirely. And, to top it all off, Lucas almost had a heart-attack. Things got so desperate that there were not one, not two, but three production units shooting simultaneously - all whilst Industrial Light and Magic were working on the special effects with the models. The production of Ep.4 was so bad that Lucas didn't direct another movie until 1999.

Meanwhile, the first cut was exactly like how the prequels ended up. It was too slow at some points, and too fast in others. The exposition was stilted and awkward. The editing and composition was amateur and lifeless. Darth Vader and C3PO's voices were laughably bad (this was before they got James Earl Jones in). Ep.4 completely deserved the Oscar for 'Best Editing;' not because it was a well-edited movie, but because the editing saved the movie. For a while, I wanted to go into movie editing, and I wanted to do this because I realised how you can either save or ruin a film in the cutting room.

Watching Ep.4 again, the cracks show. Luke is too whiney, Han moans all the time, and Leia either has this strange faux-accent going on, or she moans too. (I can see why they got together now.) The editing can't save the dialogue. Whilst they manage to get some memorable lines out, some stuff is either laughable or just cringe-worthy. Remember when Leia says: "I recognised your foul stench when I was bought on-board"? Urgh. I'm so glad that, in Ep.5, Carrie Fisher gets the best line: "Would it help if I got out and pushed?"

But ultimately there is enough energy in Ep.4 to redeem it's faults. Meanwhile: the prequels have no reason to exist. The original films are the story of Luke, Han, and Leia. All three go through a character arc: Luke goes from farmboy to Jedi, Han goes from smuggler to a devoted lover, and Leia goes from a pretty little princess to a hardened fighter...or at least she does in my version of Star Wars where I fast-forward her in the Slave-Girl outfit (could you tell that George Lucas was going through a divorce at the time?)

And Darth Vader went through the perfect character arc. He begun Ep.4 as 'the big bad guy.' We first see him emerging through smoke, not knowing anything about him except that he makes this horrifying sound when he breathes. Later we discover that he killed a lot of Jedi and is "more machine now than man."

My favourite moment in any of the Star Wars movies is perhaps the most subtle yet atmospheric one. It's not Luke blowing up the Death Star, Darth Vader confronting Luke, or any scene featuring The Emperor. It's right at the end of The Empire Strikes back, just as the Millenium Falcon blasts into hyperspace. We cut back to Darth Vader looking at the blank space where the Falcon just was. There's silence on the bridge as all the Imperial commanders look at Vader in silent terror - fearing his wrath. Vader looks for a moment, turns, then walks off.

It seems like a little placeholder scene that, in a lesser-profile movie, would've been cut out for time. It's supposed to be your typical: 'Hero gets away, villan shakes his fist.' But what makes this scene so great is that Darth Vader doesn't do anything. We know he's capable of immense power. Throughout the whole movie he's been throttling officers, blocking lasers, issuing commands, and swinging lightsabers. Yet at his lowest point, nothing happens. He could be thinking anything behind that blank face. Anger at losing the rebels after all that effort. Dissapointment in himself for failing, again after all that effort. Or perhaps sadness for losing his son. Or even weariness for knowing that now the chase must start all over again.

It's because we discover that Darth Vader's is Luke's father. Suddenly Vader goes from 'big baddie' to 'oh god, this guy's actually a human who had kids.' Whilst Ep.4 gave him that dark backstory, Ep.5 reveals that this backstory wasn't so dark, and that before there was Darh Vader there was Anakin Skywalker. We know all this without ever needing to see Anakin for ourselves. It's not like Harry Potter where we see so little of Voldemort that it's necessary to see flashbacks so we can build a full profile of the antagonist. Darth Vader is not a puppetmaster, or a shadowy figure who is talked about more than seen. That role goes to The Emperor, who is only briefly mentioned in Ep.4, appears in a Skype conversa-I mean, hologram in Ep.5, and finally makes a full appearence in Ep.6. Meanwhile, we see Darth Vader all the time. We don't need to see any more of him. Thus; the prequels had no reason to exist.

It may have been interesting seeing how the entire galaxy turned to fascism...but the prequels screw that up. It's laughable how in Ep.3 everything goes from democracy to Space-Third Reich in the drop of a hat. The Emperor simply says: "execute Order 66" and BOOM! HEIL VADER! There's the possibility that a perpetual state of warfare may have gradually turned the republic into a militarised state, but this subtlety is eschewed with Palpatine yelling "UNLIMITED POWER!!" whilst cackling and shooting lighting from his hands. (God, I love The Emperor.)

But everything about the prequels is just meaningless. It did nothing but remind us of how much better the originals were. So why is no-one dreading The Force Awakens? It has absolutely no reason to exist either! YOU ARE SHEEP! YOU'RE ALL SHEEP!

More than Donald Trump, the fact that everyone's getting excited about Star Wars makes me thankful that global warming exists. It's poetic that the most stupid species on the planet will ultimately end up killing itself. Our inability to learn from our mistakes and look a disaster in the face will destroy us all. It's just a shame we'll also be annihilating the only planet in the known universe capable of sustaining life.

Actually, I've been reading about the possibility of life on Mars - and I almost want to stop working on my novel because many sources are suggesting that a thermonuclear reaction with Mars' atmosphere could eventually create a breathable environment. To achieve this, however, would require us dropping a shitload of nuclear missiles on Mars.

I love it. Nuking a planet so it creates life. It's just such a stupid, characteristically human thing to do that I want to write something about it. It also proves that Star Trek III was partially correct and dropping a missile on a desolate planet can create life. But you still can't bring Spock back from the dead.

Star Trek and zombification brings me nicely back to the topic of Star Wars. Why does no-one else remember the last time Star Wars came back? Does no-one else remember all the hype that came with the prequels? All thoughts that perhaps the resurrection of the franchise was unnecessary were drowned out by a wave of giggling excitement. The same thing's happened here. I seem to be one of the only people who's skeptical. I'm not spelling doom: it's just I try to learn from past mistakes.

We're forgetting here that Disney are making a new Star Wars trilogy because they need a boost to merchandising sales - which remains Star Wars's highest grossing area. It's billions upon billions in revenue. It's a monster that's never going to stop. I know this because Star Wars is currently everywhere. It's on my confectionery. It's on posters. It's in shops. It's pretty obvious why this film has come out during the Christmas period.

The funny thing is that Episode I actually recieved really good reviews when it first came out. People were so caught up in all the hype and nostalgia that it took them about a year afterwards for the dust to settle and for everyone to realise that actually Episode I was agony. Over the years this hatred has built until now finally everyone above the age of ten agrees that the prequels as a whole deserve to be erased from history.

And the same things happening now. The media is fellating Star Wars and everyone is praising it as a second comming - including the people who haven't seen it yet. The turning of this series from movie to corporate tool begun with Episode VI and the inclusion of Ewoks. It truly turned to the dark side with Episode I. This franchise is more machine now then man; twisted and evil.

So my attempt to cheer myself up failed. I can't enjoy something I actually like. Watching Episode IV and V again was similar to when you look through photos of some ex-boyfriend who you regret breaking up with but know you can never go back because there's just too much between you. Some of its your fault, some of its his fault. But it'll never be the same again. Maybe The Force Awakens will be a fun night out that makes me wish we were back together, or it could be a bitter meeting that just reminds me why we broke up. Either way, it's too late to fix this.