4 Tory Satires To Vent Your Fustration At

So with the most recent election, the 68% of the population who didn’t vote Conservative are understandably a bit miffed. The smear campaign against Ed Miliband (focusing on how he eats a bacon sandwich rather than his policies) evidently worked, the SNP took a chunk of Labour's seats, the Liberal Democrats were swallowed up, UKIP split the vote, and the way our shambolic voting system works means that even if you didn’t vote Conservative then you probably still did without knowing it.

Now that the Tories can proceed to strip us of our human rights, set up an Orwellian observation network, remove freedom of speech under the guise of protecting it, and continue to ensure that the rich have a great time at the expense of the poor - expect to see a lot more political satire in the coming years. In fact, expect to see more than ever because our new Culture secretary is a homophobic foxhunter who openly despises the BBC. But if you don’t want to wait, here are some satirical depictions of the Conservative Party for you to vent your frustration at. Oh, and it's in no particular order

Alan B’Stard – The New Statesman

The late, great Rik Mayall’s slightly lesser-known role. This isn’t Lord Flasheart in parliament (though, wouldn't that be incredible?) but it’s like if Richie from Bottom somehow became a MP and let all the power completely go to his head. He's a sociopathic womanizer whose only obsession is obtaining as much wealth as possible whilst ensuring everyone else is completely miserable at his expense. Whilst he may not be the perfect Conservative, he's the perfect Conservative satire. 

Mayall's deliberate lack of subtlety (right down to his characters name) is what makes him so entertaining. B'Stard thrives in the whole "greed is good" culture of 80's England where everyone walked around in expensive suits using brick-sized mobile phones. Nothing is beneath him. He's done everything from blackmail to smuggling to even murder. He makes no secret that he's out for no-one but himself, ensuring that in the end the only winner is him. He even keeps a pathetic sidekick around just so he can make himself feel even more superior. 

I think this speech regarding the NHS (which is depressingly more relevant than ever) sums up B'Stard nicely. 

Like all great character actors, Rik Mayall completely owned anyone he played. He perfectly undertood the anatomy of a twit - and the only thing funnier than a twit is a twit in power. 

Peter Mannion - The Thick Of It 

Can we all acknowledge that The Thick Of It is not only one of the best UK comedies ever, but one of the best TV shows peorid? Not to mention, it's perhaps the only show to turn swearing into an art - a poetic statement that flows effortlessly. 

In the middle of this is Peter Mannion. Played by the underrated Roger Allam, Mannion is not actually a member of the Conservative party. However, he's a member of a psuedo-Tory party so I'm counting him. His assistant, Phil, even says: "a lot of good things happened in the 80's...us being in power" and in Series 4 his party are forced into a coalition with a psuedo-Liberal party. Part of me kind of wishes the show would just give each party it's correct label, since it's so obvious anyway and given how politics is shaping up to be much, much nastier in the coming years then this show is already dated anyway. As much as I love The Thick Of It, I think it'll soon be a (outstanding) relic of the past rather than a timeless tale. 

Peter Mannion is a well-spoken, literate man who's condecending, technophobic, out of touch, and extremely sarcastic. In one episode he's asked to condemn bankers recieving unfair bonuses, but refuses because he's good friends with several bankers and is scheduled to appear at an event filled with bankers. In addition to this, he has to deal with chief of communications Stuart, who is perhaps the most entertainingly annoying man in the world. 

Simulataneously, he's by far the most 'human' character on this list. He's genuinely annoyed when his attempt to fix the immigration system so more genuine applicants are let through is halted by the Prime Minister's resignation. Despite his taste in unpronoucable scotch and his love of cordjuroy, in the end all Peter wants is a hot bath away from all this political nonsense...or failing that have a Twix. That's perhaps what makes The Thick Of It such a great show. I find myself sympathising with characters despite them all being kind of awful. 

This post took about five times longer than it should have done to write thanks to me getting distracted and watching clips of the show on YouTube (hence all the links in this section). In the end, I think this clip sums up Peter in a nutshell. 

And if you want more, then there's a whole 15 mins of Peter availible online, legally, and for free. 

Sir Humphrey Appleby - Yes, Minister / Yes, Prime Minister

Believe it or not, this was Margaret Thatcher's favourite television programme - presumably because it was the only show in the 80's that didn't hate her.

Despite Jim Hacker being the titular Minister and later Prime Minister, the real character here is Sir Humphrey Appleby, his trusted secretary - who acts as the political equivalent of Jeeves. Essentially, it's Appleby in control, not Hacker, as it's inevitably Appleby who sorts everything out and saves the day. Whilst, as we see in this clip, Jim Hacker himself resorts to the stereotyping present in those completely out of touch with society, Sir Humphrey is unbelivably smug. He remains confident that Hacker will never be able to run the country and ensures that Hacker will always have no idea what's actually going on. 

Yes, this is supposed to be a comedy show - and it's a very good one - but the main punchline is that actually this is a very dark concept. Hacker is incompetent, yet ultimately he's a good man being exploited by an aritsocrat who flat-out lies and twists what Hacker wants to suit himself. He only saves the day so his favourite puppet doesn't get it's strings cut. 

Here's a clip of Sir Humphrey at his most elitist and condecending. There's also this clip of Sir Humphrey holding his own against a select comitte with nothing but jargon. 

I think Thatcher liked this because it made her believe she was in complete control compared to Hacker. But what do I know about mad people...

Francis Urquhart - House Of Cards (UK)

Normally US versions of UK shows are just awful. Thankfully, with both Veep and the US House Of Cards we're seeing some improvement. But, just as The Thick Of It is superior to Veep, the UK House Of Cards is superior.

Based off-of a trilogy of novels written between 1989 and 1994, this series aired between 1990 and 1995 in wake of Thatchers resignation and the desperate grab for power that followed. It concerns the gloriously slimy Francis Urquhart, who takes inspiration from the great Shakesperean villans by frequently using direct adress.

Unlike all the other picks on the list, this isn't funny. Just like the US incarnation, Urquhart appears suave and urbane on the surface, yet it's only when he turns to the camera we see his true face: the face of a machiavellian obsessed with power. Like B'Stard, Urquhart was never beneath blackmail and murder, and like Appleby he relished being the puppetmaster. But of course House Of Cards strips all humour from the situation to reveal a deeply disturbing man. The only joke is how very few people realise just how intelligent, and thus dangerous, Urquhart is. Only occasionally does he let his real personality slip forward, and it's always great to see.

He's a perfect satire of Thatcher's Britian. Policies don't matter. Negotiation doesn't matter. The people don't matter. Democracy doesn't matter. Politics itself doesn't matter. Ultimately, its all about power. The seizing of power. The maintainence of power. The increasing of power. It's always perplexed me that the US picked up House Of Cards when its attitude is so clearly steeped in Tory England.

I think the opening to the second series summarises Urquart nicely. Here we see his honest, smug private face, and his deceiful, charming public face all at once.

You won't believe this, but the novels were all written by a Conservative who was an advisor to Margaret Thatcher, deputy chairman to John Major, a speechwriter, and currently is a member of the House of Lords. And he wrote one of the most scathing political satires in recent memory.

So there. Hopefully these satires will give you a chance to vent your fustration a little. As a final epitaph, here's Rowan Atkinson doing a parody of a speech at a Conservative party conference. I would've put this on the list, but sadly this character only ever appears once.